Woah. I am back to writing the realisations I’ve had across my therapy-journey and I have never felt more at ease and calmer in my life.
Where do I start?
2015 — Bullied. Like a knife to the heart.
I was strongly bullied (this is the first time I truly admit this) for 2 years in high school — I remember crying in the school library on the floor thinking “I don’t want to live. Why do I feel so lonely? Why do they tell me these words?”.
Words, which sounded like:
“Everybody hates you”
“No one will ever love you”
“You will die alone”
I am sure the child classmates of mine didn’t think that their words would echo in my mind 5 years later as I am typing — and I am still trying to beat these demons. We don’t know how a sentence can impact us years and years on — it might actually hurt more than a bullet, leaving you crying every time you leave a relationship thinking: “this is the reason why no one loves me”.
Bullying leaves scars.
5 years later I finally beat this monster hidden under the rug. But who knows when my mind might be playing games again? :) It takes time and patience. We beat the monster slowly as years go by.
2016 — I left my home country Romania
New country, new culture, new people, new me.
I placed that bully-demon under the rug and escaped the painful reality I lived in, I moved abroad to study in the UK and met new people with whom I created connections I will never forget even on the day I die.
I dived deep into meeting as many people as I could. I surrounded myself with so many wonderful hearts to feel the joy I never thought I will be able to feel. And I felt it. True friends who loved me. I was loved. I am loved.
I denied my past and my anger and pain to feel the love I was told I will never receive. I surrounded myself with people not to hear the demons in my mind.
2018 — Got into my first serious relationship
We date guys and we think they’re “the one” until we get into a serious relationship involving: sex, compromises, mutual-work, relationship-work, hard conversations & true love based on mutual interests and life visions. And then we realise, relationships are the fucking shit. They impact us in ways we never thought they would.
I never knew what love truly was and what an impact it can have on you until I got into my first serious relationship. Oh what a great time it was. But how little did I know about myself back then.
I remember going over my limits trying to make the relationship work: I would think for 2 people how to love when thinking even for myself was hard.
I wanted to spend all my time with my boyfriend, because:
- I thought that is what great couples do — cultural norm in Romania
- I loved him more than I loved myself — major realisation later on in my life.
- I didn’t want to be left alone with my feelings and my thoughts from the past which I would have had to face anyway. That bully-demon, yes.
I wanted to prove those bullies in high school so hard that I am loveable, that I sabotaged my own happiness, my self-worth, my relationship with my boyfriend and my family. The pain inside me and the wound was still hurting so much that I wanted to prove the bullies and the monster that they’re wrong. I fought so much to kill a demon, which was after all… in my heart.
2019 November — I jumped from one guy to the other
It naturally happens that when partners go on to experience erotica with other people they do so to experience a part of themselves they can do through the other person. — The genius Esther Perel says.
As one could assume as a result of my logic above, my partner while still being in a relationship with me went out with a different person, miles away from me. Definitely the second biggest wound on my heart in my life. Event which shook me upside down and drove me in denial, depression, anger, pain & so on. It marked me in ways I never thought I ever will be marked.
The biggest shock for me wasn’t his departure, but that all the effort I had put into the relationship was pointless. If I would’ve not cared that much, it still would’ve happened. If I would’ve not made all those efforts, it still would’ve happened. So what did I realise?
It was out of my control.
I didn't and still don’t (and ever will) have the ability to keep a relationship forever and make it perfect by only myself going the extra mile.
It takes double to tango.
The pain was immense.
So what did I do? I hid it under the rug. And jumped into another connection, which was barely ever intended to be a relationship from the other party. I denied my pain and moved on to the next perceived happiness.
2021 February — The rug got full
I had a bully & a cheat-monster under my rug. I denied all my pain, I wanted to forget my past, I wanted not to see any person who has made me suffer so much. Denial gave me momentarily peace for a year.
Until it erupted, like a volcano.
In my second connection/situation-ship after some months, I couldn’t make the same efforts I have done in my first relationship. I felt empty. I felt demotivated. I felt anger. I felt confusion. Until one day, I just wanted to leave and be by myself. So I did.
2021 — Solitude. Cleaning the rug.
Little would I have thought that all the pain from bullying and being cheated on would hit me harder than I thought 5 and 1 year later after they happened.
I dreamt with my classmates and ex-boyfriend every night and woke up crying not understanding why I live these extremely painful moments again. Why did I have to see these demons again? They made me suffer enough and I just wanted to leave them behind…
So I went to see my therapist, god bless her. What would I do without her? The amount of gratitude I have for her is just unbelievable.
After listening to my story, my therapist said:
“Maybe this is the moment to heal those wounds. This is the first time after 3 years when you’re properly alone and you finally listen to yourself. Your body is telling you that it is time to heal”
And it hit me. I was majorly in denial all this time. I didn’t allow myself to suffer enough, to understand what happened and be a good friend for myself. All this time, I hid my past under the rug to move on and feel joy.
But for the first time ever, after those dreams, and those therapy sessions, I feel freer than ever. I feel myself more than ever.
Solitude made me realise so much about myself: it taught me to love myself, to practice my hobbies more, to grow my mini-business, start projects with friends, call my friends more times a week, buy a swimsuit for myself and walk around in it in my house, dye my hair in weird ways, dress in ways I never thought I will, get a tan and stay in the sun more. I had more vitality in me than ever.
For the first time in my life, I love myself. It’s me, I am loving life, and no one will ever take that away from me.
Don’t be afraid of solitude. I know it’s hard at first to see your ex with someone else, I know it’s hard to see your bullies have a great life and you sit alone on a sofa — but remember: you are never alone. Friends are the greatest gift of life, at times they love us more than we love ourselves. We are never truly ever alone — we just need to look around us and see our family and friends, and dogs :) and hug them with all our heart.
Don’t be afraid to say what you feel — if a relationship is not for you? Say it. If polyamory is not for you? Say it, and believe it. If marriage is not for you? Say it out loud, scream it out loud on the rooftop. Be free gal/ bro!
Your body will tell when something is not for you.
Listen to it, in solitude.